I awoke the dawn, saw horses growing out the lawn...

I am moved into my new place, my own apartment. I am living in a tiny, perfect cottage in the woods, all by myself. I am in a home I never thought I would find and it is so perfect and glorious.
God is so good to me. I must remember to thank Him and praise Him all the time. To love and serve Him. It is by His will alone that I have such a beautiful and relaxing place to live. I can control the temperature of my house and the money I put into it will stay with me. I am beyond words, folks.

It is so sweet and secluded. I have thick wooden beams and green furnishings. Nature is all around me, though humanity is but a short drive away. This morning, I awoke to the sound of a woodpecker on my roof. What a happy and natural noise.

My own home. My nest. Finally...my own nest...

This is the first day of my life

I am posting twice today, and that is because in one day, I have managed to feel so much. I feel as though I have lived two lives. It hurts so badly to reflect on so much. But I have to... I have to gain perspective on my situation now so as not to trap myself in the same old misery.

Why can't it ever be simple? Or at least carefree? Why so much stress and worry? I have handled too much. I have seen too much. I have loved too much, but I know that I am but a child and I have any years of misery ahead...

Those songs...there are quite a few that, without fail, every time I hear them, I collapse in tears. The sound is so pure and the memories still so recent that I find myself drowning anew. I can never change the channel though. I can never bring myself to send those thoughts away. As sad as they are, as much as I have lost, I cannot bear to forget it all. The memories are precious...regardless of the outcome.

Love was shared, misery was, as well. BUT love... as Tadin once said, there is always some good in these things. That good thing is that there was love. Even if it was never spoken of, there was love. For everyone of them and from every one of them .

I do often feel like the love only grew after it was over... maybe it was only realized then. We always take for granted what we have, it is refreshing to look back, see what it was like without that person or something to that effect. It would fix our world if we all just took a step back and realized with a jolt how much we have to be grateful for and how much love we truly could have...

Just a thought...

Spring could not be recorded

I decided against recording the rest of the winter and spring as it was purely nothing but regrets, tears, dashed hopes and green shoots that did not make it very.
I spent the first weeks of June rushing around, moving out of my house single-handedly and travelling. My heart was lightly broken and I recovered and am still in a bit of a cautious place in regard to my insides.

I am here again to talk to you about a new chapter of my life, though I my circumstances have not changed very much at all. I am an assistant manager at my coffee shop now and I am working hard to find money for a place to live.  I have only one or two real friends in the area now and I am pretty happy about this, it means more time for me, for cultivating beauty and light. It means I can take the time I need to become the person God would intend me to be.

I want to be a Godly woman, a new Godly woman. New New. I don't believe in newfangled Christianity in the sense that I want to call Jesus my husband or pretend as though I have never lost my virginity or anything along those lines. Rather, I want to realistically take the things I have learned from my experiences, take God's word and put them all together in one.

The Bible tells us that we are meant to be forgiven, that we are meant to love and serve the Lord with ALL our heart. This is so much more difficult than it sounds. Plenty of times in my life I have felt my heart BURSTING with love for the Lord and plenty of times I have wept for the Love He feels for me. However, it is rarely, as I walk through my day, that I find my heart fixated on Him. I will think of my money troubles, my family, my heartbreak, my future, my dog, my horse, my broken shoes, my broken car, my hungry tummy, pitiful Ethiopian children...I digress... None of these thoughts are wicked or unworthy, many are selfish, but not wicked.

Yet...they have NOTHING to do with love for my Savior. Church often brings me back to the ground, but once I walk out that door into the blinding sunlight on Duke of Gloucester Street, I am lost again to the power of the world.

Loving God with ALL our heart is a very "REAL" struggle, as they say.

I currently have a man in my life who is also struggling. He loves me, he wants to be with me, he feels I am a good match and a Godly woman, but he cannot settle into this relationship. He will be happy for a few days, then he sinks into a depressed and doubtful state. He pushes me away and questions me, he stays out of touch, he stresses himself out and makes himself miserable. He has already once told me he needed to be alone, so I walked away and moved on with my life, keeping him in my prayers.

He has since begged me back and asked to start over, to which I agreed...but the wavering has already started. I could walk away easily here, my heart is not much invested because of the damage it has accrued. My heart is preserved nicely by the scars. BUT...I can't seem to walk away. I feel like I have some sisterly, motherly, lover's duty here. To fulfill my role, I must encourage him, even if this falls apart, I must encourage him, for he is a child of God and I cannot see him suffer without offering my help.

But... if he chooses to walk away...I cannot keep him. I cannot cry for him. I cannot hold him. I can only pray for him and continue on my ladder. I've only one way to go and that is up.