I decided against recording the rest of the winter and spring as it was purely nothing but regrets, tears, dashed hopes and green shoots that did not make it very.
I spent the first weeks of June rushing around, moving out of my house single-handedly and travelling. My heart was lightly broken and I recovered and am still in a bit of a cautious place in regard to my insides.
I am here again to talk to you about a new chapter of my life, though I my circumstances have not changed very much at all. I am an assistant manager at my coffee shop now and I am working hard to find money for a place to live. I have only one or two real friends in the area now and I am pretty happy about this, it means more time for me, for cultivating beauty and light. It means I can take the time I need to become the person God would intend me to be.
I want to be a Godly woman, a new Godly woman. New New. I don't believe in newfangled Christianity in the sense that I want to call Jesus my husband or pretend as though I have never lost my virginity or anything along those lines. Rather, I want to realistically take the things I have learned from my experiences, take God's word and put them all together in one.
The Bible tells us that we are meant to be forgiven, that we are meant to love and serve the Lord with ALL our heart. This is so much more difficult than it sounds. Plenty of times in my life I have felt my heart BURSTING with love for the Lord and plenty of times I have wept for the Love He feels for me. However, it is rarely, as I walk through my day, that I find my heart fixated on Him. I will think of my money troubles, my family, my heartbreak, my future, my dog, my horse, my broken shoes, my broken car, my hungry tummy, pitiful Ethiopian children...I digress... None of these thoughts are wicked or unworthy, many are selfish, but not wicked.
Yet...they have NOTHING to do with love for my Savior. Church often brings me back to the ground, but once I walk out that door into the blinding sunlight on Duke of Gloucester Street, I am lost again to the power of the world.
Loving God with ALL our heart is a very "REAL" struggle, as they say.
I currently have a man in my life who is also struggling. He loves me, he wants to be with me, he feels I am a good match and a Godly woman, but he cannot settle into this relationship. He will be happy for a few days, then he sinks into a depressed and doubtful state. He pushes me away and questions me, he stays out of touch, he stresses himself out and makes himself miserable. He has already once told me he needed to be alone, so I walked away and moved on with my life, keeping him in my prayers.
He has since begged me back and asked to start over, to which I agreed...but the wavering has already started. I could walk away easily here, my heart is not much invested because of the damage it has accrued. My heart is preserved nicely by the scars. BUT...I can't seem to walk away. I feel like I have some sisterly, motherly, lover's duty here. To fulfill my role, I must encourage him, even if this falls apart, I must encourage him, for he is a child of God and I cannot see him suffer without offering my help.
But... if he chooses to walk away...I cannot keep him. I cannot cry for him. I cannot hold him. I can only pray for him and continue on my ladder. I've only one way to go and that is up.
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